Wednesday, June 29, 2011

An Agent's Inbox #19

Dear Agent:

When sixteen-year-old Camryn Brock sneaks out and gets snatched by a group of drunks looking for some fun, she’s relieved to be rescued by an alluring stranger named Christian. Her relief turns to panic when, instead of taking her home, he claims her as his own prisoner.

While Camryn is something between freaked and pissed, she becomes absorbed in Christian and his family--who strangely seem to do whatever he commands. She discovers he's one of the elite chosen to live as a Remainder, leaving him to watch over the world while enduring everyday teenage life. But the Remainders’ secrets run deep, and the more Camryn uncovers about them, the more she loses her desire to get her butt back home. It doesn't help any that she's beginning to adore her captor either.

But being with Christian is more dangerous than Camryn realizes. Because not all Remainders are like him. Some thrive on stolen life, and some want hers.

REMAINDERS is a young adult paranormal romance complete at 88,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,   
M.W.


REMAINDERS

The books reeked of salt and rotting fish. I kind of liked it. The libraries back home only carried the scent of aged paper and dust. Not nearly as charming.

I continued to browse. I loved the search as much as the read. Cream cheese was my next stop. Running errands for Mom really bugged, but it gave me an excuse to get out. Alone.

New, shiny driver’s license. Back pocket. Me? Stoked. But Mom? Not so much. The picture had turned out dreadful, but fortunately, a glamorous photo wasn’t a requirement for the freedom it offered. Well, a little bit of freedom. Mom was still pretty stiff, but I would take anything to make my life less vanilla.

I turned toward the end of the aisle where a teenage boy sat by the window with a newspaper, bright colors parading over the comic section. He was watching me.

I froze.

His eyes bore into mine, but I couldn’t look away. An invisible darkness hungaround him, so flawless, I could almost taste its putrid flavor. But at the same time, I just wanted to gawk as my finger longed to slowly trace his sharp features--make sure he was real.

Strings of black hair fell over his forehead, screening his sunken eyes, and the bones in his face looked rigid beneath skin that could snap.

But there was more. Something ran deeper, radiated from within. Something I sensed more than saw. He was…different.

I could feel it.

8 comments:

The Agent said...

Intriguing enough to get some requests. My biggest concern is the Stolkholm syndrome sort of relationship that seems to exist between your two characters.

Sample Page: I'm always wary of mss that start immediatly with the alluring stranger (but this is mostly subjective--I'm cynical when it comes to romance like this). I'd keep reading, especially since I like your characters voice (up until she sees the guy).

Emily said...

I like the query, especially the first paragraph. You kind of lost me around "But the Remainders’ secrets run deep" and after that. I was just confused. Although I do like the last paragraph (minus "Because not all Remainders are like him.") it's intriguing with danger.

I'm not sure I like her noticing the guy right in the first page either. I loooove the voice though. Feels authentic. The query has a good voice too.

TW said...

I really liked this but found one sentences in the query confusing: "She discovers he's one of the elite chosen to live as a Remainder, leaving him to watch over the world while enduring everyday teenage life."
I had to read twice and it spoiled the flow.
I enjoyed the 250 words but had two minor complaints: 1. "his eyes bore into mine" -compared to the rest, this phrase sounded unoriginal. 2. I got a sense of the imminent adventure and romance but kind of wanted a bit more on the adventure, less the romance. That's just me though and maybe not typical. Great job!

TN said...

The query is really good.

I found "It doesn't help any that she's beginning to adore her captor either." unnecessary, but that might be a matter of taste. Good job.

Melinda said...

Agent,

Thanks for the great feedback. Wondering if the Stolkholm syndrome would still be an issue if you knew he is sixteen too and is merely protecting her.

I've also wondered about my opening with the alluring stranger for the same reason, but I've been leery about changing it because he's actually not creepy stranger dude, he's the good guy, and because the whole idea really rests on this odd first meeting. But if it's really holding me and my novel back, I really should probably redo it. I'm always up for a challenge. :) Thanks again!!

Melinda

Melinda said...

One of my biggest questions with my query has been if I should explain in more depth what a Remainder is?
Melinda

Ru said...

I was curious about what a Remainder is. However, I've noticed a lot of queries (just from reading them online)get bogged down explaining things, which is a turnoff for me as a reader. If you could sum it up in one sentence, I would want to know for sure.

Nicole Zoltack said...

I really liked the end of the query. Nice way to wrap it up. I think if you were a little more clear on what exactly a Remainder is, that would be helpful.

I enjoyed the beginning of the story until the stranger. Being captivated by some guy staring at her is just too overdone in YA. That said, I did really enjoy the voice.