Wednesday, June 29, 2011

An Agent's Inbox #5

Dear Mystery Agent,

Melody is a young muse who has the misfortune of screwing up most of her missions--which pretty much sucks when you have someone as strict as Zeus for a father. After having her inspiration license revoked for a hundred years for reckless behavior, Melody is finally released from house arrest and put on probation.

When her Inspiration Officer assigns her to help a pair of down-on-their-luck teen brothers, Melody is glad to be back on the job--even if it means posing as a high school student. But with unexpected romance added to the mix, things get complicated. Even Melody knows falling in love with a human is a big no-no, so she is left with an impossible choice: give up the boy she loves to keep her muse status or succumb to her feelings and give up her immortality.

My young adult paranormal romance, BITTERSWEET MELODY, is complete at 60,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
D.D.


BITTERSWEET MELODY

One thing I can say for sure is I’m the only muse in history to ever have been grounded. I know this is true because my father told me. Well, more like screamed it at me while gripping the heck out of a lightning bolt, holding it over his head like a maniac. He totally over-reacted, of course. I mean, come on. Revoking my Inspiration License and grounding me for a hundred years? That completely sucks!

"Sucks" is a word I learned from my sister Calliope. She spends a lot of time with humans and picks up the best phrases. Whenever she comes home from a case she teaches them to me. Calliope’s a lot more fun than my other sisters--and there are many of us, not just three or nine like humans are misled to believe. And the only one who’s ever been suspended from inspiring? That’s right: me. It’s so unfair. My father says I had it coming, but I swear I’m not a trouble maker; I’m just misunderstood.

But that’s all over with now. I’ve served my time and I’m about to get my freedom back. Don’t get me wrong, Mount Olympus is pretty much the most beautiful place ever, but I’ve had it with being locked up here unable to do what I was born to do.

The last step toward my ticket out of here is a meeting with my Inspiration Officer so I can get my license back. That’s where I am now: sitting in his little office of cloud-white walls, rocking back and forth on the hind legs of a rickety chair while I wait for him to show up.

5 comments:

The Agent said...

Your first sentence is intriguing; I hear voice, I see possible humor conflict having Zeus as a father, However the rest of the query doesn't inspire me to read the sample; it's almost not unique (I'm thinking Never Been Kissed meets Twilight). Also, I have a problem with your main character, a "Young Adult," being over 100 years old.

Sample Page: You're severely pushing the line between voice and telling, and your last paragraph is all telling. Most agents would probably stop reading here.

Chelsey said...

I like your opening sentence, but you could make it snappier. Maybe: Melody is a young muse who manages to mess up every assignment she's given--which is not acceptable when Zeus is your father.

Also, maybe start with "Melody has finally been released from house arrest and put on probation" or something like that.

Instead of an "unexpected romance" maybe be more specific about the boy? Also what is Melody there to do exactly? I want to know more about her life as a muse less about the "oh falls in love with a mortal" to make the story stand out.

Beth said...

I like your voice. Just a thought, but try showing us your MC from the "I'm not a trouble maker; I'm misunderstood" angle and show how that may play into this "unexpected romance". What else is at stake here? Good luck in all your writing.

Dorothy Dreyer said...

Thanks for the comments. Some readers have suggested that I start the story inside the Inspiration Officer's office and work in the telling of the back story in there.

Jessica said...

I think the query shows off the voice of your mc and the voice continues to be great in the first page. However, I agree about the telling and not showing.
I think it would be a good idea to start in the office. Maybe the two of them can discuss why she is there and get into what is about happen.

This sounds like a very cute story. Good luck!