Wednesday, September 28, 2011

An Agent's Inbox #10

Dear Mystery Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Hadley Blake has the ability to heal others, but her skills go beyond what other Menders can do. Giving life back to someone within the first hour of their death is what earns her a spot at Orion, a behavioral center for supernatural teens.

Jiu-jitsu is a staple at Orion and crushing on sexy martial arts trainer, Donovan Graham, is a welcomed distraction for Hadley. Campus hottie, Gage Ryder, attempts to change that, and she falls for him too. Decisions. Decisions. What’s a girl to do?

Too bad for Hadley, love will have to wait because Orion’s head doctor has other plans for her and her little Lazarus act. Fight to the death, revive, repeat is Dr. Ramsey’s motto. Hadley learns he makes money off forcing the kids to fight in cage matches using their powers. She also discovers he’s been pumping stuff in their veins to make them have powers in the first place.

Hadley must pull herself together and find a way to stop him or else remain a slave in his fight club--or worse, she could end up dead.

BREATHE FOR ME is my 80,000 word young adult paranormal romance and is a standalone with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best,
J.F.


BREATHE FOR ME

“Next time, warn a girl before you show her a corpse.” I buried my nose in the sleeve of my hospital gown, but it did little to mask the stench.

“He isn’t dead, Hadley.” Dr. Ramsey pushed down on the bed railing, causing a loud clank to bounce off the walls.

I jumped.

The body didn’t.

Not dead, my a**. If that noise didn’t wake him, nothing will.

I inched closer to the bed. Scarlet puddles seeped through the sheet at one end. Ten toes poked out at the other.

Dr. Ramsey tugged on the fabric, revealing a guy who could’ve served as an extra in a horror flick. A deep gash on his forehead oozed blood and several wounds covered the rest of his face and head, making it look like he’d been used as a piƱata.

The smell of rancid meat grew stronger. I gripped the bed sheets to anchor myself. “What happened to him?”

“That’s not your concern,” Dr. Ramsey said, ignoring my freak-out fest. “Your focus should be on healing him. In your mind, command him to heal. Now.”

He slipped his hand inside the pocket of his white lab coat and produced a silver remote. Crap. That’s how I’d been treated back at Corvus Detention Center. Failure to do as I was told had earned me a nudge by way of a taser-gun. Guaranteed to make a girl piss herself.

8 comments:

Leigh Ann said...

Query - Love love love. All of it.

Two nitpicks. I'd change "Decisions. Decisions." To "Decisions, decisions."

And "make them have powers" to "give them powers."

I love love love your first page, too. A little something was rankling me, and on the second read I realized - I can't tell whether Hadley is terrified, horrified, or just grossed out. Even when the taser appears. Maybe throw us half a line to clarify?

Awesome, polished stuff. Wishing you so much luck!

Jenny Kaczorowski said...

I agree with the revisions Leigh Ann recommend, but otherwise I love it! I love the title, I love the premise. Great twist on the whole fight club thing and great potential for some good, bloody fun ;)

Kimmy said...

I love the premise here as well as the voice in the sample. I can see Hadley is a bit sassy and the opening line grabs me from the get go!

The Agent said...

Not a lot of comments here. The query feels strong and interesting, though for my personal taste paranormal is less compelling than other genres.

The opening pages are intriguing too, though I wonder if the tone is not too light for the subject matter. Though jarred by the dead body, the character doesn't seem that surprised or thrown by it--which may work just fine given the context, but gives me a little pause as to narrative tone starting off.

Jen said...

I enjoyed the first page. The voice is great, and there's already tension building. The query seemed a little disjointed to me. You go from a healer to the campus hottie to fight club. I think maybe I'd cut the part out about the campus hottie.

I'd read more.

Good luck!

Jackie said...

Thanks so much for the suggestions!
You guys rock!

gretchen said...

I liked your query alot...it was straightforward, full of voice and succinct. Though I don't tend to read alot of paranormal, I would have definitely kept reading after those first 250 words!

The only thing that gave me pause was the line, "In your mind, command him to heal." I wonder if it would add to the tension if you just "showed" Hadley doing her thing, at just had the doctor say something like, "Heal him. Now."

Either way, great stuff here. Hope to read more!

Rebecca said...

I guess I'm a little late to the game, so I don't have much to add. You're query was great, loaded with tons of information,but not overly done. I like how the voice carries through the query, letting us know it will be a fun read.

Great job!